This was the newspost when sweet_grrl was introducedDecember 12th
This just in:
Scientist Discovers Only Girl On Internet
Also, Eat More Watermelon!
Dr. Faye Kerr of the Misleadingly Impressive Sounding Institute of Disinformation recently concluded a days long survey of Internet users and found that, despite earlier beliefs to the contrary, that there is only one girl on the entire World Wide Web.
"I was terribly shocked," Dr. Kerr reports, "I had intended to do a study on the online habits of young women," yet despite the massive number of online journals and implictly female screen names that are supposedly used by countless women across the world Dr. Kerr found that "they were all basically the same person. I had to ask myself 'What is the fundamental difference between sweet_grrl666 and angyl_gurl15?' And finding that there were no differences, I was forced to conclude that they are all the same girl."
The girl's true name is not yet known, but Dr. Kerr believes that she is in her early teens and regularly frequents the website www.MyCartoonDolls.com, which she uses to fabricate various versions of herself depending on her current mood.
"She can be a preppy goth one day, or just preppy the next. Sometimes she is a diva. She regularly updates her appearance to keep up the massive deception that there is more than one girl who uses the internet; and possibly so that she can stay ahead of her boyfriend. However, I can't imagine why she would think she needs to bother, because he always wears his hat so low that he can't see the end of his nose."
Dr. Kerr also presented the theory that the only girl on the internet and her boyfriend both type by mashing their faces against the keyboard, because "they don't have hands. Her boyfriend even has giant cancerous lumps all over his arms."
"It's pretty clear from the results of this study that the Internet is some sort of government plot. They're trying to convince people that the Internet is a reliable resource of information and communication that has no unforeseen side effects. They want people to think that girls are allowed to use the Internet when in fact all women everywhere have been enslaved by the massive patriarchal conspiracy and they don't even realize it. This is being pulled off by the same people who say meat is fit for human consumption and claim that crop circles have nothing to do with alien races trying to communicate with us. It's pretty scary. I mean, they're using this poor girl and look what it's done to her and her boyfriend. If I were their parents, I'd immediately remove them from the Internet, and stop exposing them to television, books, music and video games as well. These are dangerous influences and I should know, I use a couple of them myself."
When questioned how Dr. Kerr could conclude that only one girl uses the Internet when Dr. Kerr is female herself and used the Internet to do her research, she responded, "Well, duh, of course you can't observe anything without influencing it. That's basic quantum physics. No more questions please."
Dr. Kerr is also known for assisting in research regarding holisitic medicines, natural vegan diets for cats and other supposedly carnivorous animals, and the verification of controversial UFO photographs.