Are you a member of the lucrative Direct Marketing industry?  Are you interested in a service that will help you stay competitive in today’s economy?  We can help YOU!

 Whether you specialize in cold-calls, mass e-mail solicitations or the more old-fashioned methods of standing in a parking lot and yelling at strangers, we have a service tailored to your specific needs.  The Direct Marketing industry has many challenges to face, from the ominous Federal “Do Not Call” List to the increasingly ruthless methods of those so-called “spam” filters in stopping YOUR message from being heard by YOUR customers.

 But, as you already know, YOUR customers are incredibly anxious to connect with you!  And at last we have perfected the ultimate in services to the Direct Marketing industry, a little program we like to call the “Savage Beating”.

 Here’s what a “Savage Beating” can do for YOU:

1)      Provides uninterrupted, face-to-face contact with YOUR customer.  (Often for hours on end!)

2)      The chance to find out what YOUR customers really want.  (And how YOU can provide this to them!)

3)      Paid Medical Leave! (Restrictions apply.  Consult with your employer regarding medical leave and on-the-job injury policies.  If you are self-employed—i.e. a “Stay-At-Home-Spammer”—consult your insurance agent)

4)      Valuable life experience and a deeper understanding of your role in society. (Remember, that which does not kill you, makes you stronger!*)

 * Results may vary.

 That’s right, and participating in the new and exciting “Savage Beating” program is incredibly easy!  Millions of potential customers are opting-in to this program every day, just so they can give you the full experience of a “Savage Beating”.

Just listen to these testimonials!

“At first I was skeptical about what impact a ‘Savage Beating’ would have on my business, but the result was entirely unexpected!”
-Bruce Filagaree, CEO of Cheap Herbal Seaweed Viagra Pharmacies, Intl.

“Typ ing bizza-re  wrods wit h randm bre.aks and punc!utation 2 defeat thse aw1ful SPAM bl-ockrs u.sed to be ree ally hrad 4 me, untl I gotsa SAVGE BEATNIG. Now ill never tyep norm ally aga ain!”
-Shane Baxter, e-mail distributor of Super Spam Blocker 2000

“I never imagined that I would ever need to collect on my husband’s life insurance.  But thanks to that particularly effective ‘Savage Beating’ I signed my husband up for, I can relax in the comfort that he has generously provided for me and our pool boy, Rico!”
-Gloria Dumenpants, widow of the late Printer Ink Cartridge mogul Frank Dumenpants

 “I really got excited by my ‘Savage Beating’ and I made a lot of new friends who can’t wait to get together with me again!”
-John “Schoolgirl Kiki” Smith, of WickedBondageGamesForWeirdoes.com

“I’ve learned a lot from my ‘Savage Beating’.  I had no idea how much progress has been made in the field of dental reconstruction.”
-Rich Wallace, inventor and distributor of Ultimate Live Forever Serum 2

“I was so surprised by the ‘Savage Beating’ program that I actually gave MY bank account information to the gentlemen I was soliciting help from in the moving of 20 bazillion dollars out of my late father’s secret embezzlement fund!”
-The third son of the cousin to the best friend of the vice secretary of soccer under the former president of Nigeria

But wait, just listen to what their satisfied CUSTOMERS have to say!

“I tell you, after the fourth middle-of-dinner call from that ---hole, I couldn’t wait to meet him in the dark alley behind the 7-Eleven.  Thanks for bringing us together for a ‘Savage Beating’!”
-Tom, 27, weight-lifter

“I kept missing important e-mails from friends and family, even from my job.  It took me half-an-hour every day to sort through all the unwanted ads in my e-mail.  My e-mail at work was even worse!  When I found out about the ‘Savage Beating’ program that would allow me to get my hands on those cretins who keep sending me explicit pictures of Girls on Girls on Horses Gone Wild, I was very anxious to let them know how I feel and introduce them to a few of my own company’s products.”
-Tamara, 25, sales representative for Acme Extra-Painful Pepper Spray and Almost-Lethal Munitions

“I didn’t even know about the ‘Savage Beating’ program until this scrawny fruitcake started shoving flyers for his new all-vegan restaurant into my hands outside the liquor store.  I’m glad someone else thought of the idea before me, because something like this needs to be shared with everyone.”
-Bowie, 45, member of the Hell’s Angels


But wait, there’s more!  There’s always more!

The “Savage Beating” program is ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!  And once you’ve signed up, YOUR customers will receive your name, phone number and home address so that they can contact you AGAIN AND AGAIN, whenever they please!

I’m sure you’ll agree that the “Savage Beating” program will change the world of Direct Marketing.  Such unlimited customer contact will reduce the amount of unproductive time you spend trying to solicit business from uninterested consumers.  Thanks to “Savage Beating”, you’ll actually wonder how to get away from all the business you’ll be getting!

To join, send us your name, home address, a copy of your house-key, driver’s license, social security number and any pre-existing medical conditions that might influence your interaction with the customer, including but not limited to: Hangnails, low pain threshold, a “Glass Jaw”, hemophilia, brittle bones or easily dislocated joints.  This information will help us pair you with a customer who can give you the best ‘Savage Beating’ experience possible.  Within 24 hours of receiving your information you will receive a waiver to free your customer of any liability or responsibility for the ‘Savage Beating’ program.  Half of any insurance money for medical expenses you incur as a result of your ‘Savage Beating’ will be divided among your customers.  Act now!