|EXCITING OPPORTUNITIES FOR DIRECT MARKETERS!!!
1) Provides uninterrupted, face-to-face contact with YOUR customer. (Often for hours on end!)
2) The chance to find out what YOUR customers really want. (And how YOU can provide this to them!)
3) Paid Medical Leave! (Restrictions apply. Consult with your employer regarding medical leave and on-the-job injury policies. If you are self-employed—i.e. a “Stay-At-Home-Spammer”—consult your insurance agent)
4) Valuable life experience and a deeper understanding of your role in society. (Remember, that which does not kill you, makes you stronger!*)
Just listen to these testimonials!
Just listen to these testimonials!
“At first I was
skeptical about what impact a ‘Savage
Beating’ would have on my business, but the result was entirely
“Typ ing bizza-re wrods wit h randm bre.aks and punc!utation 2
defeat thse aw1ful SPAM bl-ockrs u.sed to be ree ally hrad 4 me, untl I gotsa SAVGE BEATNIG. Now ill never tyep norm
ally aga ain!”
“I never imagined that
I would ever need to collect on my husband’s life insurance. But thanks to that particularly effective ‘Savage Beating’ I signed my husband up for, I can relax in the comfort that he has
generously provided for me and our pool boy, Rico!”
“I’ve learned a lot
from my ‘Savage Beating’. I had no idea how much progress has been made
in the field of dental reconstruction.”
“I was so surprised by
the ‘Savage Beating’ program that I
actually gave MY bank account information to the gentlemen I was soliciting
help from in the moving of 20 bazillion dollars out of my late father’s secret
“I tell you, after the
fourth middle-of-dinner call from that ---hole, I couldn’t wait to meet him in
the dark alley behind the 7-Eleven.
Thanks for bringing us together for a ‘Savage Beating’!”
“I kept missing
important e-mails from friends and family, even from my job. It took me half-an-hour every day to sort
through all the unwanted ads in my e-mail.
My e-mail at work was even worse!
When I found out about the
‘Savage Beating’ program that would allow me to get my hands on those
cretins who keep sending me explicit pictures of Girls on Girls on Horses Gone
Wild, I was very anxious to let them know how I feel and introduce them to a
few of my own company’s products.”
“I didn’t even know
about the ‘Savage Beating’ program
until this scrawny fruitcake started shoving flyers for his new all-vegan restaurant
into my hands outside the liquor store.
I’m glad someone else thought of the idea before me, because something
like this needs to be shared with everyone.”
But wait, there’s more! There’s always more!
The “Savage Beating” program is ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!! And once you’ve signed up, YOUR customers will receive your name, phone number and home address so that they can contact you AGAIN AND AGAIN, whenever they please!
I’m sure you’ll agree that the “Savage Beating” program will change the world of Direct Marketing. Such unlimited customer contact will reduce the amount of unproductive time you spend trying to solicit business from uninterested consumers. Thanks to “Savage Beating”, you’ll actually wonder how to get away from all the business you’ll be getting!
To join, send us your name, home address, a copy of your house-key, driver’s license, social security number and any pre-existing medical conditions that might influence your interaction with the customer, including but not limited to: Hangnails, low pain threshold, a “Glass Jaw”, hemophilia, brittle bones or easily dislocated joints. This information will help us pair you with a customer who can give you the best ‘Savage Beating’ experience possible. Within 24 hours of receiving your information you will receive a waiver to free your customer of any liability or responsibility for the ‘Savage Beating’ program. Half of any insurance money for medical expenses you incur as a result of your ‘Savage Beating’ will be divided among your customers. Act now!